HOW TO RUIN YOUR RELATIONSHIP ?! – John Gray
John: Oh my gosh, how you can ruin a relationship.
Interviewer: Yeah, I would love to know that, okay? I will do some trainings about that.
John: Good. The way a man becomes a loser in a relationship is if he becomes overly feminized. What are the symptoms of being overly feminized? It’s talking about emotions and getting emotionally upset. Now, it's okay to talk about positive emotions with the woman you're in love with, “You're so beautiful. I love you so much. I missed you. You're my sweetheart. Oh, I'm so disappointed because I didn't get to see you. Oh my gosh, I care so much for you.” These are all feelings, emotions, but they're positive. When women say they want feelings for men, they want positive feelings from men. That's what you wanna do.
Negative emotions are unmanly. That's how you destroy a relationship, by whining. Just take any time you complain, you're being a girl. And what happens is a little bit here and there. To your buddies, go talk to your guys about this. It’s what guys do. We can complain to each other. But if you complain to a woman, you become feminized. She goes, “Oh poor baby.” And then she gets mad at you for complaining about her.
So what a woman needs to feel, more than anything, if I can go up and down in my moods and you'll stand there and you don't get affected by it, and you don't get upset. You see, so many men get upset, like “Why are you upset? Why are you bothered about this?” because she might complain, “Oh, you're wearing that outfit.” “Yeah I know you don't like this outfit.” And that's it. And then she says, “Will you change?” “Well, since this is you're special night out, I'll give you permission to suggest what I should wear, but only because it's a special occasion.”
See, here is how you ruin a relationship. Let's say you get dressed up, and you're putting on a tie, and you're getting ready to go. And she says, “Oh, that tie doesn't match.” And you go, “Okay, I'll pick out another one.” You know, you're a guy. You wanna please a woman. That's what we're designed to do, make her happy. If it makes her happy, I don't care what kind of tie I wear. So I put on another tie. She likes it. So then next time I'm getting dressed, I put on a tie. She says, “Oh, that tie is wrong. You should put on this other tie.” So you go, and you do it.
And once you've done that three times, something happens inside of you. You change. Your brain changes. When you're getting ready, now you're gonna pick this tie, and you're gonna doubt yourself. And you go, “Should it be this tie or this tie?” And you'll go to her, and you go say, “Should I wear this tie or this tie?” And now you've become a girl. That's what women do, “I can't make up my mind, what should I wear? Should I wear this or this or this?” And that's a good thing for women to be. That's how women are. Their brains are much more busy. You don't wanna become that. You wanna be a man.
Interviewer: That’s a good way to become a loser…
John: In a relationship.
Interviewer: As a man, you need to do that?
John: Yeah, ask her opinion about everything and ask for advice.
Interviewer: And for women?
John: Okay, so the way women become losers in relationship, many ways. I'll just summarize, complain, correct, control, criticize.
Interviewer: Could be a training.
John: If women can just stop complaining, correcting, controlling, criticizing… Why do you do that, women? It only pushes him away. They want you to change. Stop trying to change him. Instead, start changing the way you communicate your needs to him. And what women say, “Well, if I can't criticize and I can't complain and I can't correct him,” if she says, “How do I get him to change?” And I say, “That you'd learn to love. Love him just as he is.” And she says, “Yeah, but can I get more attention? Can I go out more? Can't we get him to pick up his socks?” you know? And I say, “Yes, you can. That's called asking him to do things.”
First, you have to learn how to ask. You have to first be happy before asking works. You can't ask him to do something so that you can become happy. You have to be happy and then ask him to do things to help you to make you happier. So there’s an art to how to motivate men to do more for you, and there’s an art, men, to make women happy and turned on. The way you do it, the way you become a loser in a relationship, by waiting until Friday night and saying, “Hey, honey, what do you wanna do tonight?” and being all loose and relaxed about it.
Interviewer: [inaudible 00:04:08]
John: You do it a week in advance. You plan. You say, “What would you like? What would you like?” And then don't argue with her. And if three things she likes and you don't want to do any of them, suck it up. Be a man. It's only two hours. Go do it for her and don't whine and complain. This is another way. Men just…they’re awful about this. They go out on a date with her that she wanted, like let’s say you go to the ballet. He's like “Oh, how long is this gonna go on?” He’s looking at his watch like this. And the next time she goes, “What do I do that would make him happy?” Women should not be thinking about what would make you happy. You should be thinking about being true to yourself and how to make her happy. And a romantic date is about her. It's not about you. And when you're on that date, don't complain, and she has to learn not to complain. Complaining kills relationships. It makes us all losers.
The other secret…yeah…and the way men kill a relationship is they argue with women, and they get upset at women. Why get upset at her? It doesn't help. It just makes it worse. Understand, women are like a wave. It goes up, and everything is perfect. No matter how perfect it is, that wave is gonna crash. The happiest woman in the world, she’s gonna be unhappy. Don't take it personally.
A little story to help men that changed my life, it was this…the guy by the name Robert Bly a long time ago. He was teaching men's groups, teaching men how to be men. And he didn't have real good relationship skills, but that was a good one. And he said…it's a long story I'm gonna make shorter…but there was a dragon in the woods. Everybody who went into the woods never came out alive. And the king said, “I need a hero to go and save, you know, the kingdom from this dragon.”
So these brothers came. The older brother went in. He looked for the dragon all day long. He couldn't find his dragon. As he’s about to turn around and come back home, he smells this bread cooking, and he was hungry and tired. And a sweet little cabin and lights are on, and the bread is sitting there. So he goes in. It smells so good. He takes some of the bread. He eats it and says, “Mm, this tastes so good.”
And then a beautiful maiden appears, and she says, “Do you like my bread?” He says, “Yes, I like it very much.” And she says, “Oh, very good, very good. May I have some of my bread?” He says, “Of course.” And he hands her the bread, and she accidentally drops it. And she says, “Would you pick it up?” He says, “Certainly.” He picks up the bread. And when he comes up, she’s turned into a wicked witch with a club and beats him to death.
That's what happens in relationships. Women just beat men to death. They turn into witches and beat them to death.
So the next brother comes in. Same thing happens. Then the youngest comes in, pure heart, love open. He comes in. The same thing happens. He’s taking her bread. He’s enjoying the bread. She appears. And she says, “Oh, you like my bread?” He says, “Yes, it's very good.” And she says, “May I have some of the bread?” “Oh, of course.” And he hands her the bread. She drops the bread. She says, “Would you pick it up?” He says, “Bread is symbolic of life and death. We are all responsible for our lives. We can't depend on another for that. So you'll have to pick up the bread.” And she picks up the bread, and she doesn't turn into a witch, and they lived happily ever after.
This is what men have to learn. We don't pick up the bread for women. And on the relationships today, what that means is we're not responsible to make her happy, because if we think we're responsible to make her happy, then every time she’s unhappy, we feel blamed. We feel like we failed. It's inevitable. My wife was the happiest woman in the world. She has everything, everything. And every other day, she is upset about something. I go, “Oh, may I help you with that?” You know, it’s just a simple, easy response, or just don't say anything.
And then if they say, “What are you thinking?” This is what you say, “I'm thinking you do so many wonderful things for so many people. Let me give you a hug.” See? That's the opposite. No man would ever think to say that. He'd be saying, “Don't do so much for everybody. Don't worry about this stuff. Who cares if we're [inaudible 00:08:08]” It’s like don't say those things.
Interviewer: That's right.
John: Because when we say those things, it makes her feel bad for having those feelings, instead of like it’s part of life. And then a woman starts to feel safe, that “Oh my God, I don't have to be this perfect, smiling woman all the time.” Then she can be authentic, passionate, alive. And you can be like an oak tree, which is capable of being present for her. And by connecting with her and loving her increases the passion in you, but not becoming like a girl.
Interviewer: Yeah, that’s great.