How to Improve communication with your partner and Live a healthy life – John Gray
David Laroche : Hello viewers, today I am with a new amazing expert. He's John Gray. I am sure you know him, he's with me to answer my question. He's a relationship expert and also the author of the worldwide book “Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus.” You can find his book in every language, so in French it is “Les Hommes viennent de Mars Les Femmes viennent de Venus”. Hello John.
John Gray : Oh hello.
David Laroche : How are you today?
John Gray : Very good thanks.
David Laroche : And I have a lot of question to ask you but my first question is who are you and why did you become a relationship expert?
John Gray : Well, actually when I was in my 20s, I'm in my 60s now, so 40 years ago I was a celibate monk and my brother became bipolar and spirituality did not help that. So I stopped being a monk and I came to California and studied psychology hoping that would help, helped a little bit. Eventually, he committed suicide but I developed lots of skills in psychology and realized I'm very talented in counseling couples particularly. Then later on in my life the last twelve years I really discovered actual supplements and nutrition that can help him and have helped thousands of people who have bipolar, schizophrenia, depression, anxiety, sleeplessness, libido all of those things dramatically affect our relationships. And more and more as people fall in love they begin to exhibit a little bit of the symptoms of bipolar, Schizophrenia which means that one day they're so loving and the next day they're not. And relationship skills are very important to support lasting love but also nutrition as well but we always to focus first on relationship skills.
David Laroche : Yeah and we will talk about nutrition just after, why it's so important for you to manage and build good relationship? Why did you decide to focus on relationship?
John Gray : Well, I think is as when I was studying psychology and I counseled couples I'm just very good at it. I mean, since I'm a rebel and still to this day the universities often reject my ideas even though they're most popular psychology ideas in the world. Some therapists accept them because they see their clients get better but unfortunately in the universities they're trying to convince people all the time trying to convince that there's no differences between men and women when it's so obvious that men and women are different. And my message is not to say all men are that way or all women are that way but it's to have a positive connection to understand in a positive way our differences when they show up and we have a positive way nonjudgmental way of looking at our differences. We can keep our hearts open and love can thrive and we can easily or more easily more effectively communicate better if we have a better sense of how my partner thinks and feels maybe differently from me.
David Laroche : So what are the secrets of communication?
John Gray : Well, the first secret is to really realize that we are different and it says if men are from Mars and women are from Venus like a whole another planet. So one of the big difference is and there's a very funny video on You Tube that people can check out and it's called “It's not about the nail” and it's a woman with a nail on her forehead talking to her husband and complaining I have a headache and he says, “Well, maybe if you took the nail out of your head.” And she says, “It's not about the nail, I just want you to hear me.” There's a time in a place to solve a problem and men particularly like to solve problems and feel good but women often want to just talk about problems, talk about their feelings not that every woman but when there's communication problems which is so much of the time. One of the ways that women when they're stressed can feel better is talk about what's bothering them. So they talk about it and they talk about it and if they talk to a man or their husband, he listens and he tends to go, “Well, don't worry about that. Well, that's not a problem. Well, don't make such a big deal out of it. Let's just forget it. Well I'll handle that for you. Well, don't cook the food like this, cook the food like that. Well, don't take this road, take that road.” In our mind if there's a problem and you're upset you just solve the problem or you have an…
David Laroche : Action oriented.
John Gray : Action oriented and women certainly can solve problems. Often, people misinterpret my message by saying that women can't solve problems. That's nonsense but man's first reaction to stress is what can I do to fix it? What can I do to solve it? And a woman's first reaction unless she has to solve something right away it's let's talk about it particularly when there's nothing you can do about it, right now let's at least talk about it. So I taught those ideas over 30 years ago and even then it was controversial and people bet but no that's silly. It's not silly. It's that this is a biological need that women have and now I have the science behind it which is why I've continue to write books on the same subject is that science keeps giving us more and more information and one of the differences between men and women on a biological level and this is every man and every woman fits into this category. Whereas for men they have 30 times at least 30 times more testosterone than women. Testosterone is all about faster reaction time. It's all about solving problems. So if there's stress, a man's testosterone goes up and it makes him want to solve the problem and if he can't solve the problem then he feels frustrated and he becomes uncomfortable and he begins to suffer. So for women they don't have the testosterone levels that men have, their bodies aren't designed that way. Women cope with stress by another hormone not testosterone it's called oxytocin. It's friendship hormone, it's a love hormone. It'd be like if somebody scary walks into the room, you could put up a sword that's testosterone fight or flight or you could say, “Here are some cookies. Let's be friends. Let's find out what's the problem. Let's talk about it.” That's the oxytocin response and women all have this oxytocin response that regulates stress. Testosterone doesn't lower stress for women. Testosterone lower stress for men. What lowers stress for women is oxytocin and oxytocin is produced by romance, by communication, by affection, by empathy, by when a man sees into a woman, huge amounts of oxytocin gets produced. That's why women want to share so if they can share what's positive or share what's negative it doesn't matter just see who I am and if a man sees that and feels and in a loving nonjudgmental way then women begin to glow, oxytocin levels increase stress levels go down. So to me understanding the biology even when I was teaching this it made such a difference. So now if my wife's upset about, “Oh we're late.” I don't say, “Don't worry about it.” I don't try to talk her out of it. I don't say, “It's not a big deal. They can wait.” I just go, “Yeah, we're late.” And that's it. I don't have to talk her out of what she feels because that's what men think would be the solution is to talk her out of her feelings rather than to support her feelings. It's like, “oh my gosh, we are late.”
David Laroche : And how did you discover that?
John Gray : Oh the way I discovered that? Well, I was a 30 years ago I'm in marriage Counseling, counseling couples and what I would see all the time is men would just interrupt women. And I said just try not saying anything. Try not saying anything the whole session and let me ask her questions and women would feel better. But you did ask an important question, how did I discover it? This was my discovery and this was 35 years ago. I had a nice little counseling practice and I made one change. I decided that I was going to practice not fixing women because I would hear women say it was like I invented this women were saying, “I don't want him to fix it. I don't want him to fix it.” So I thought okay I'm going to practice and not interrupt and instead of giving solutions I'm going to ask more questions, ask more questions. Now, after doing this for about a month my counseling practice was sold out and then I had a waiting list. And the people that were coming to me I said it was women and I said, “Why did you pick me as your therapist?” And they said, “Oh my friend told me about you.” And I said, “What did they say?” They said, “You're a therapist who really cares.” Now the interesting thing is I've always really cared but…
David Laroche : You just changed the way you do it.
John Gray : That's exactly. I changed the way I demonstrate my caring because I began to understand that women truly get great benefit by talking rather than always solving the problem. It's not that there's no problem solving but first there's talking.
David Laroche : And what do you think about the fact that some men more used to speak and some women more oriented action, do you understand my question?
John Gray : Oh you mean when there's role reversal?
David Laroche : Yeah.
John Gray : Okay, this destroys relationships today and it's happening a lot to young guys because young guys…here's the principle if women said, “We're turned on by men who walk on their arms upside down”, all these men would be walking around this park on their arms upside down because what makes women happy men are motivated to do that until they become disappointed and then they stop doing it. Because if she's not happy why bother doing those things. So well women have put out this message that we want men to be more open and share their feelings and talk more. So men are now talking more and sharing their feelings more and women come to me as a counselor and go, “He talks too much. He has too many problems, I can't be turned on to him.” So as a man and a woman it doesn't work. That what works and I don't want to be too extreme here because I'm not saying there's any one way but what I've seen as a marriage counselor over and over and over when a man talks more than the woman in a relationship, they stop having sex. Why? Because men who are talkative usually they're interrupting their wives. They're trying to fix her or they're complaining about their days and she might start to complain and he says, “That's nothing. Let me tell you about my day.” And then he complains more. These men after a while their wives don't want to talk and sometimes if I talk to women in an audience and women say, “Well, I don't like the talk at the end of the day.” And I say, “Well, what would have happened if you did talk?” “Well, my husband would go on and on and talk more. I don't have time for that.” So many women have never even had the experience of being fully heard and have somebody hear them and ask questions and empathize with them and so these women are often confused. And so they say, “I want men to be like my girlfriend.” Then when he becomes like a girlfriend she's not turned on to him and when he becomes like a girlfriend his male hormones are no longer being stimulated and he loses his attraction for her. So the average length of relationships today with young people like you is five years. That's the average. It takes about three years and then all the passion goes away and two years to figure out how to get out of this relationship.
David Laroche : So how to get back the passion?
John Gray : To get back can the passion is Understand…passion is like a magnetic force. You know I see my wife and I just feel like oh I want to connect, I want to get closer to her. If I'm with her all the time, I don't feel that way. There's a hormonal change that happens when you spend too much time with your partner. You see for men you have to have distance to want to cross.
David Laroche : That's amazing.
John Gray : See, if you want to get close you have to pull away and get close again. If you even think about the act of sex you get close and you pull away. It'll be very very boring if you just went there and stayed. So it's in and out, in and out. This action of going in releases testosterone then a hormone called oxytocin gets released in his body which feels good, it's love. You go in and you feel love but oxytocin pushes testosterone down so he has to pull back to rebuild the testosterone. Men have to stay being men, they can't just do everything women want them to do. So here's an example a man his girlfriend says, “Oh you're busy doing the computer. You're busy watching TV. We should be sharing together doing things together.” He wants to please her so he starts talking about his day, they start having conversation whatever. What will happen if he doesn't take time apart, see when a man comes home the biggest complaint women have is, “Oh he comes home he ignores me. He watches a football game or he reads a newspaper. He just spends time alone on the computer.” And she's going, “Why isn't he interested in me? Why is he sitting on that couch ignoring me?” Well, there's a reason for that and young men don't know that reason. Women just go, “You shouldn't be doing that.” If you go to these poor people in the Scandinavian countries there's no passion at all because men are feminized. Men are taught, “Hey, I've been working all day. You should be working with me.” As the man works hard during the day he uses up his testosterone. So women can't understand this a man uses up his testosterone. He has to rebuild his testosterone. How do you rebuild testosterone? You relax. You relax and you don't do anything serious hobby, something fun, something enjoyable You don't solve serious problems and you don't have intimate conversations. You just let yourself have kind of an empty mind and relax whatever you're doing and that is what rebuilds testosterone. And I'm not saying he should ignore her all evening, he just needs his time so that in my book “Men Are From Mars” it was called the cave time. Is that men on Mars they tend to all have caves at the end of the day you go to your cave. There's a sign on the cave that says, “Do not enter or be burned by a dragon.” Which is women don't read that sign because they don't understand men are different and they think, “Oh I'm supposed to make conversation with him.” And quite often women will then ask us lots of questions and we feel we're supposed to answer them. What's she really needs and often she doesn't even know, you have to recognize if people aren't happy they don't know what they need. It's people that, “I know what I need.” If you're not happy, you don't know what you need. And that's why you have to come to somebody to get help. So women will say, “I want him to talk. I want him to open up.” I say, “Well, woman no you don't.” What you need is to open up yourself. You need to share your feelings. Women would come to me 30 years ago and say, “I want him…he's in his head. He's always analyzing things. I want him in his heart. I want to feel him.” I say, “I don't feel you at all except you're just complaining. How about you opening up and show some love. How about you sharing.”And she says, “Well, I can't do that because he'll fix it or interrupt me. He doesn't understand.” I say, “Well, that's what he needs to learn, not to be like a girl and open up. He needs to learn to be a man and be like an oak tree stable not whining and complaining and learn how to listen and empathize.” See these are old fashioned male values that are being lost today as young men are being feminized and told that they're wrong for that. And then what happens is your average 40 year old man's not even turned on to his wife. This is very common, you get married you know I'm 62 years old and I have sex three times a week. I have more but you know I need a little if you have a little rest period in between then you appreciate it more. It becomes too routine but I have libido every day. My testosterone levels are the same as when I was a young man. Your average man now today at 40 years old has the testosterone levels of a 70 year old man 30 years ago. There's a huge shift it's happening in the world. Men's testosterone levels are going down. At 50 years old your average male today has half the testosterone levels he had as a young man. And we have to understand you have to do masculine things we're not women. We can't do this women stuff and be men. And so there has to be an understanding and younger men so much want to please their women and the women just say, “Well, I want a girlfriend. I want somebody to chat with me. I want somebody to clean with me. I want somebody who's my partner doing things with me all the time.” What do you mean you want to go off with the guys and drink some beer? You can't do that, you're married. Are you kidding? Of course, he has to do that. See, men have always done this for a thousand…we've been on this planet hundreds of thousands of years look at what people have done during that time. Women are here, men are here and yes this is a new age where we're coming closer together than ever before. Closer than ever before but it doesn't mean that becoming closer that we should lose our identity. We should harmonize with the opposite. That's what keeps the passion. So if you think about passion it's a positive pole and a negative pole like a magnet and it goes like that. And if the guy becomes like a woman then you're repelled. So you lose the attraction and we just heard the dogs barking right then. This is when couples argue and fight is because they're not knowing how to support each other's emotional needs. And I talked about one need there. There's many of a man which is give him space. When he needs to take a space, give him space don't pester him about what he's thinking or what he's feeling. Give him a little time off. Flipside of that, women need intimacy, they need closeness, create some romance for her at least every week. One romantic date, it doesn't have to be over the top fantastic. Plan it in advance. Men don't realize waiting to the last minute and saying, “Hey, what would you like to do tonight?” He thinks that's romantic because he's saying, “I'll do whatever you want.” No, what romance is for women is when they can anticipate the date a week in advance at least days to think about it. This is a big thing for women. Like for you if you're thinking about big success just thinking about big success or a big payment or a big interview or whatever it is you know it's anticipation but for women it's the anticipation of affection, of romance, of doing something she'd like to do. And again women expect men to be mind readers like I'm supposed to know what she likes. How can we know that? Often you'll say to her, “What would you like?” She says, “I don't know.” And if you know then you're like Mr. Romantic. This is all unrealistic. So what you do a week in advance you sit with her and say, “Let's think of some fun things next week that you'd like to do.” And you can also say what we'd like to do but then say really what would you like to do and I'll pick the one that I'd like to do as well. That way as a man you know you're going to be successful. So most men stopped planning dates because they know, “She is going to like this, that she like that. I don't know if she likes it or whatever.” And part of that is women not understanding a man's need. If he's going the extra mile to take you out on a date that you'd like to do then make sure that you have a positive attitude the whole date. He's doing his best, he's dressing up. He's doing what you would like. Do what he would like and give him some love too. And how do you love a man? By helping him feel successful. So if you have gone to a restaurant he takes you out to eat and the beans are too salty don't tell him. Just today you know some women we'll go, “Oh these beans are so salty I got a better recipe. And my mother used to make beans better than this.” She could talk the whole night about how bad the beans are because two women could do that and they'd all feel happy. Because talking about problems creates oxytocin and bonding lower stress for women and they feel good. Women feel good thinking I can tell all the people in the world how bad that restaurant is. If you were the man and you say all that on a personal level he's providing this to you. It's like he's the chef, it's like this is his restaurant. You wouldn't say that to the cook or the owner of the restaurant unless he was saying, “Please tell me what's wrong with my restaurant?” On a romantic date don't focus on what's wrong. There's other times to do that but not on a romantic date. Just as on a romantic date he should provide for her a sense of security, a sense of relaxation. He should take the time to find out what she would like and provide that for her. Now this means every day of the week? No, this is one day a week. It's just that's a special romantic date.
David Laroche : It's great. I love what you are saying and I have a lot of question to ask you and a specific question for example I work with Judy so we're a lot in the same room in the same place, what is your advice? I don't know if you've ever think about that, if you ever thought about that?
John Gray : Of course, well couples who work together often have like children if they're together all the time you start becoming a little allergic to each other. You can become annoyed, you become irritated, you become bothered and it's hard to feel passion for your partner if you don't have distance. So men have to take some distance and that can be any kind of a thing you can have some buddies you go out with once a week. You know for example for me I have two men support groups which means they meet once a month. So I just go hang out with the guys and we talk about issues that are going on in our life or we go in camping trips or we do something just guys. You need to be just around guys or you need to take some time to meditate separately on your own or have some exercise that you do. I go and swim in my pool for two hours you know build my muscles up. Anything a man does to build his muscles is going to help rebuild his testosterone but he needs to rest afterwards. See, you can't always be at the beck and call of your partner. The ideal thing is to let your partner know what my wife knows is I'm her emergency man. If she really needs me I will say yes to anything she needs but it needs to be emergency. She should know there's always a backup. That's what women need is to feel they're not alone. But the same time I'm not like doing everything she wants when she wants it. So we have a constant conversation which is, “Hey, would you help me with this?” I say, “Is this an emergency or do you need it now or can I do it later?” So you don't want to feel like you're always just doing what your partner wants, you should be doing what you think is the right thing to do. So you always have to come back to what do I think is the right thing to do as opposed to just…
David Laroche : It is a question for our life?
John Gray : Yes, particularly for men. So if for men we need to always be in control of ourselves. It's always about control for men because look at the world all the dysfunctional men are out of control. They don't know how to control their emotions. This is all that San Quentin I teach classes over this prison right over the Bay San Quentin Prison, killers, murderers and I go in there. These are guys who don't think. They just emotionally react and I teach them how to think. This is what men need to know, learn is don't act without thinking. So much of today is about to get in touch with your emotions and feelings, what people don't realize this is for women to do. Men have to learn how to get in touch with their thinking and do the right thing only do things that you think make sense and does it mean it will close up your feelings. No, what opens a man to his heart to His Love to his compassion to his empathy is when he thinks what's the best thing to do and he does that and somebody loves him for it that opens his heart. So women have the power to open a man's heart without a doubt but not by telling him to be like a girl but being a girl herself, being a woman herself who can open up her feelings, share her feelings in a way that doesn't make you the bad guy. And that's a whole new lesson. You see for thousands of years women have never talked to men. This is a new phenomenon, why is there so much divorce today? Why is there lack of passion today? It's women talking to men. It turns men off and then when he doesn't hear her it turns her off. She starts to feel like I can't share. Go to any indigenous culture, I've been around the world now over 20 times looking at indigenous cultures just seeing how men and women interact. Women never talk to men, they talk to women because women understand they're like the same person and men talk with men or don't talk with men. We hang out together. This is a thing that we've done for thousands of years. Why did women not share emotions with man? Because women's brains women learn if you get angry at a man he gets angry back. It were like the part of us that has emotions is what's called the middle part of the brain is the monkey brain, not different from a monkeys. So you see couples when they're fighting or when they divorce they're just acting like monkeys, a bit of are arguing about the silliest little things. You said this, well you said that. You did this, well you did that. Well, I didn't do this but you did that. Well you said all the silliness and it is that we have to realize that we all do it. I do it as well it's the monkey brain. Okay, this is the part of us we don't want to turn it off because that's where the love is. But this is the human brain up front. This is what tells you what to share, when to share, who to share with. So if I'm upset about something I go and talk to some guys, I don't go talk to my wife. If a man goes and talks about his emotions with his wife about, “I'm scared at work or I'm upset about this or I'm mad at this person.” What happens to her is she starts becoming afraid of you or if it's fear she starts feeling like your mother and she reminds you over and over what you should do. So for women to share their emotions with a man makes you feel like a hero and makes her feel like she can depend on you. When men share their emotions, women feel like they're your mother. Let me give you a great example which I used to tell to the feminists who said, “Oh this is baloney you know men and women are not that different.” I said imagine you have a romantic relationship. This happened to me in the first few years of my marriage. We went off on a retreat get away for a romantic getaway to a condominium in the forest in another state. Well, we drove up there it took much longer to get there so in the middle of the night we had dinner before we got there and in the restaurant there was a magazine article about stalking bears. These are bears in this place where we were going to which stalk human beings and kill them. They get into your house and they kill you and this was happening up in Oregon at that time. And we're thinking this is silly, they say, “No, this is real”, and they are showing us. Then we arrive in Oregon in the middle of the night we don't know where we are. There's no street lights and we're like pickets stalking bears so we're both scared, who wouldn't be scared? We're kind of laughing about it but also scared. We get into our little house that we had rented and we found it in the dark with flashlights and get inside real fast who knows stalking bears?
David Laroche : It's a movie.
John Gray : And then it's like a movie and then we heard noises outside and we heard bang, bang, bang and with the holy mackerel you know fear rises in both of us and I say to her, “Okay honey, I'm going to check to see what it is. You just sit by the phone to call 911 if I call out to you.” You know that call's the police so whatever for help and so I went out to look to see what this noise was. It was just a raccoon in the trash cans. But when I came back in I said it was just a raccoon in the trash cans and she went, “Oh good and that was really scary.” I said, “Yes, it was.” And she says to me she goes, “Will you hold me I'm still kind of scared,” and I said, “Yes, I'll hold you.” Now what do you think happened next? We had the best sex of our lives because she was feeling the hormones of me being the courageous one protecting her when we're in danger. So she felt cared for not alone and I'm feeling that courageous hormone testosterone in me oxytocin in her. Oxytocin is produced when you feel you're not alone and you can depend on someone who will risk their life for you. And I'm over there risking my life for her and that's testosterone. So I'm in a very male role she's in a very female role we had unbelievable sex. Now, let's see how that could have been different. Let's say , “I said to her…”
David Laroche : And this is a movie.
John Gray : This is the other side of it so now that we hear the noise we're both scared and I say to her, “Honey I'm scared. Would you go out and check to see if it's a bear and I'll sit by the phone and she goes out and checks she comes back in and she's, “Oh it was just a raccoon”, and I say to her, “I'm still kind of scared, would you hold me?” And she holds me, what's going to happen after that? Nothing. There's no passion hormones I mean the female she's in the masculine. Now let's look at a modern relationship, the third thing. This is what happens to some women who become too masculine. They hear danger outside, guy and wife right there and she says, “Okay I want you to sit in the chair and call 911. I'm going to go outside and check, don't get up.” Now what did she just do? She emasculated him. She cut off his balls and he's this nice guy who goes, “Okay, whatever to make you happy. I'll do whatever it takes to make you happy.” So women don't realize how they emasculate men.
David Laroche : So what do you suggest is this in this case for the man?
John Gray : If she's cut off your balls?
David Laroche : Yes.
John Gray : You say to her.
David Laroche : Yeah.
John Gray : That's a good idea but I think a better idea is for you to sit here and I'll go out and check. Don't be the girl. And you know women will say to you when you have an argument, what do men do in arguments? If they don't argue back which is unmanly just to get this what means to be a man. If a woman gets angry and you get angry back you're a monkey. You're in your female side. Emotions are feminine, that's what men have to get. Compassion and positive emotions are both masculine and feminine. But when you're in an angry mode, when you're sad and you're crying when you're afraid and sometimes it's a big problem, it's appropriate to go to your female side if you're a man. But see what happens in men is when you're emotional the physiological dynamic in your body is your testosterone is literally converting into estrogen, the female hormone. Your estrogen levels are going up, your testosterone levels go down when you become emotional. Now there is a time and place men's brains are designed to become emotional when the problem is huge and they feel powerless to do anything about it. So it reinforces whenever you get emotional as a man you're reinforcing a million year old trend that I'm powerless to solve this problem. And you don't want to reinforce that, you want to come back to, okay take a deep breath, cool, calm and collect it . What is the best thing for me to do now? I'm starting to get angry. Take another deep breath and let it go and say to my partner, “I need some time to think about what you just said and then we can talk later.” Don't get into arguments because once you start getting angry or afraid and you put it into words it's like writing it in stone and it doesn't go away quickly so that men start getting into fights. And I used to do that with my wife I'd be a good listener and then I would go in and give that solution. It's like putting your hand in an alligator's mouth and she chops on you. And then you blame her for that and get mad at her for that and you put your hand in that alligator's mouth. When a woman's emotional, she doesn't have the ability to appreciate your solutions. Just keep that mind and what upsets the man the most is when you want to solve the problem and somebody goes, “No, that's not a solution. What they'll say is you don't understand which by the way when we come back to communication skills it's the worst thing a woman can ever say to a man is you don't understand. Well, another way you can do it without causing and then become defensive, this is our monkey brain stuff, it just doesn't work either way. If you feel a man doesn't understand there's another way to say it that doesn't make him defensive. You pause, just pause. Okay, let me try saying this differently. Now if I say that to you, “Hmm let me try saying this differently.” What message do you get? That you didn't understand but you don't feel blamed. I'm taking responsibility for not communicating effectively to you. That's the number one rule in all communication classes. Is that you don't blame somebody else for not hearing, you take responsibility for what you said and if they didn't get it try another way. Try another way and if you feel frustrated then say, “You know I need some time to figure out how to communicate this to you and then I'll come back and talk to you.” And if a man's getting defensive in an argument, stop it right away. Today I'm appalled at these wimpy men who fight and hit their wives. These are like not manly, it used to be like men would never get angry at a woman or beat her or fight with her. You know this is like such immaturity in men which is today we don't have role models clarity of what it means to be a man. You're compassionate, you're caring, you want to solve the problem, you do the right thing. You don't just emotionally react. This is what training has been in all civilizations like an American Indian wants training to become a man at 14 years old. Now, I'm not recommending this, I made better recommendations for modern men.
David Laroche : Yeah, it is my next question. So what do you say just to help use to learn that?
John Gray : Yeah, toughen up as a man. Okay, stop listening to women trying to become what they want because they want you to become a girlfriend. So you need to understand the history of masculinity and this is what I was getting to which is in an American Indian tribe a boy at 14, 13, 14 that's what happens then is your testosterone levels increase 5 to 10 times. So that's when it's time to really own what it means to be a man. And when that testosterone increases they had an initiation and the initiation is they would take the whole village what's been a circle you go through your initiation, they take sticks from the tree and they pierce your breast, they pierce this. Yeah, painful and they tie a rope to this, tie it together and throw it over a limb and they slowly raise you up and you cannot cry out and you can't make a face. And that's what these boys do and that's what makes them into men. They learn how to endure pain. Nothing after that will ever cause them to be upset because they've learned to endure pain. You don't have to cry out… Pardon.
David Laroche : Which is the other way?
John Gray : Well, that's the extreme way. I don't recommend that stuff now. But what it is what I teach men now to become a man is learn how to listen to a woman. Listen to a woman, talk, share her feelings without getting emotional back. This is part of how the army does it. In the army you train a young man who's undisciplined, reactive, immature and you've got to make him more mature to go carry a gun and behave in a responsible way. And so what they do is they line him up and they torture you. They say negative things about you. They humiliate you. I don't want to say the things that they say but they'll embarrass you and you'll have to stand there and not have any expression on your face. And if you have an expression, 50 pushups. Don't give me attitude, 50 pushups. So you learn to stand there and have no emotional reaction. And why do you have to have thatis because when you're in war and you just see your friend who's just been had his leg blown off you lose control and then you want to run out and kill somebody, you get monkey brain takes over. So you have to learn to control the monkey brain . You have to control your emotions and this is particularly for men. What women have to do is need to learn to share their emotions in a way where people can hear. Now, if you want to share with a girlfriend you know women can hear each other as long as they're not blaming each other. Women are great at hearing your feelings as long as they're not feeling blamed and then they look at you like why can't you hear my feelings because you're blaming you. She's talking about you. So women will be great at hearing somebody else's problem because they're not the problem. I'm great as a listener in therapy. I tell women they say, “Why can't my husband listen to me the way you do?” And I say for three reasons; one is you pay me, two is I know it's only 50 minutes and the third which is most important you're not blaming me. If all you do is complain about your husband. Of course he can't hear that. You can't go to your partner and complain to them but women can learn to do and I call it Venus talk and this is how men can learn to strengthen their masculinity and not react emotionally in a negative way to women sharing their feelings. And that is the Venus talk is you just take 10 minutes twice a week and you go to your boyfriend or your husband and you say, “I'm going to talk about my feelings for 10 minutes. First I'll talk about my negative feelings then my positive feelings and I'll thank you because I'll feel better. I don't want you to say anything. I just want you to look in my direction and make no comment. Don't say anything or do anything about it. You don't have to feel bad, you don't have to make empathetic noises just look my direction and I'm going to share these feelings.” You can also read the book which has little outline and you can ask certain questions but simply put what she has to do is learn how to share her feelings. See women think they're so great at sharing feelings, nonsense they're great at talking about their feelings but not actually connecting with their emotions associated with their feelings. So women could say, “Geez I feel unsupported.” But what does that mean you had fall but if she says, “I feel frustrated”, that is the emotion, get to the emotion. “So I feel frustrated”, and then talk about things in your life that are frustrating that have nothing to do with him. And some women will say, “Well I can't. All my problems are him.” I say, “Well, no wonder he can't hear you.” You can't tell somebody they're the problem of your life. You're the problem of your life and you're using him as the emergency man, the Mr. Fix it. He's going to solve your problems and be a good listener for you. So you share your emotions so frustration is the first one then disappointment is under that, what am I feeling disappointed about? A couple of minutes on frustration, a couple of minutes on disappointment, a couple of minutes on my concerns, a couple of minutes on my feelings or what I'm embarrassed about in my life. You know I could be embarrassed I'm overweight, I could be embarrassed because I'm not making more money, I can feel embarrassed because I don't have more friends, I feel embarrassed that I didn't make that meal the other whatever she is feeling embarrassed about but it can't be you. She can't say, “I feel embarrassed walking with you in public.” She can't say that. She can't say, “I'm concerned you don't love me.” What she can say is, “I feel concerned that I'm too stressed out. I feel concerned that I'm so unhappy. I feel concerned that the weather is going to be bad. I feel concerned that I don't know what my future is.” Nothing about you.
David Laroche : Just her.
John Gray : That's why women have to learn is how to share your feelings without sounding like you're blaming and women have never learned to do this on planet Earth. That's why women never talk to men before because a man can't hear you if you're blaming him. So now we want to connect this and that brings back the passion because if she can feel feminine in your presence, oh my God you get totally turned on after you learn to do it. And she gets turned on because the biggest oxytocin producer there is is when a woman can share herself, her naked self, authentic self, no protections share what's inside of her and have someone to be loving towards her. Now it's not completely naked because she's not sharing her negative feelings about you. But what happens as she shares her frustrations and disappointments about other things and not about you but about her life what happens is you hear that, oxytocin levels go higher and higher, her stress levels go down and then she has very few complaints about you. Then what she learns at step two is once women have no complaints about their partner then they learn how to ask for support. See, the way most women ask for support is they blame you. They say, “You forgot to do this. How many times I have to ask you? You didn't do this? I'm having such a trouble with this.” And blaming you as a way of getting you to do things it doesn't work. It just doesn't work. What works is asking a guy to do something with no sense of urgency. When you get around to it what I love is this, “Would you do that?” And he says, “Yeah, I'll do that.”And then assume he's going to forget in the beginning because guys prioritize the way our brains are as we tend to think of those things have the biggest emergency and if it's a little thing why should I bother. But see part of understanding women is when you do little things that actually makes them feel more important. See it's like men will tend to do big things and that's the big part of my message and that's right there in “Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus” which is little things make a big difference because the guy once when he's dating her, he's doing little things because he's not going to do big things because I don't know if I want to marry her. But once you marry a woman you go, “Okay, now I want to do everything for her. I'm going to do the big stuff. I'm going to try to earn up money…”
David Laroche : A big vacation.
John Gray : A big vacation. Earn money, do this, do this. Men are always striving even though women are making more money than some men today, he's still wanting to be this provider. It's inside of men because inside of a man to make my testosterone I have to feel that I'm making a difference in your life. And this is why so many masculine women are not married. They can't attract a man in their lives. It's because the man is not intimidated by that like all men are intimidated by my power, my success and my money. No, they're not intimidated. It's not fear, it's stupidity. Why do I want to be with somebody that doesn't need me? See, man want to feel like a hero, man wants to feel like I make a difference. And you ask these women who are single and you say, “Do you need a man?” They go, “Oh no, I don't need a man.” It'd be nice to have a man. It'd be good to have a man. I say, “I don't want to be just nice to just have me around, I want to feel like I'm important in your life. Just like she wants to feel important, I want to feel important. And when you need someone, you depend on them, you're looking for help from them that's what makes a man feel like, “Yes, I'm drawn to her.” Once again is the feminine energy is the part of us, there's two parts within each of us. One is I need help and one is I don't need help. That one is independence and one is dependence. The feminine energy is dependent, the masculine energy is independent. Now, ultimately what we want is a balance within ourselves of interdependent and that's an adult relationship. But what women are doing today is they're trying to be men. Because you see they're so attracted to independent men, they mistakenly think that men will be attracted to me if I'm independent. And men like to be your friend if you're independent because you're low maintenance but we're not going to be turned on to that for long because what turns a man on is feeling like I make a difference. And what turns a woman on is to feel that you make a difference in my life.
David Laroche : That's great. And to add some few more…yes, I'll let you finish this…
John Gray : Oh just one little point on the Venus talk, never just end with the negative emotions. Then spend just as much time on what I appreciate, what I'm grateful for. That's when you can talk about him. Let's talk about what you appreciate in your life, what you're grateful for and if there's some problem that you've been talking about, access your intuition with a positive “I understand that” or “I know everything's going to be okay. I know that I'm not alone. I know that I'm supported. I so much appreciate that you're listening to me. I'm already feeling better”. You have to get that positive energy otherwise he thinks, “Why are we wasting time talking about negativity? What's the point to it?” The point is sharing what's ever inside of you if you're a woman dramatically increases this hormone oxytocin that lowers her stress and oxytocin is also the hormone that allows women to respond sexually. It is the hormone that's necessary for women to have climax, for women to long for sex, for women to long to be penetrated by a man, oxytocin.
David Laroche : Yeah, I'm reading a lot of book about foods and I saw a lot of different point of view, angles and so I'm a little lost with nutrition, what is advice about how do we have to eat?
John Gray : Well, the first thing is that my expertise is relationships and about 12 years ago when I turned 50 I had Parkinson's and so I began researching to cure myself of Parkinson's and in doing that which I did using natural supplements I discovered that there's a whole spectrum of brain disorders. There's ADD, ADHD there's autism, there's Asperger's Syndrome, there's bipolar. All of these things all originate from impaired dopamine function in the brain. And I found natural remedies for this. One of the most important natural remedies for this is a form of lithium. It's called low dose lithium not what doctors prescribe, doctors prescribe a form of lithium in doses that's toxic. What I recommend and other holistic doctors recommend as well for any type of thing in the brain is that we understand that lithium is the mineral that regenerate your brain cells and protect your brain cells from toxicity, from neurotoxins , allows your brain to continue growing and also is the cofactor for making dopamine and serotonin in your brain. So it's amazing the benefits that I've seen by giving people a form of lithium that will cross the blood brain barrier in small doses so it's non-toxic, no side effects and even when I say that some people go, “Oh but you know just saying non-toxic in high doses, if it's toxic in high doses it must be bad.” Everything in high doses is toxic. Salt is just the salt a form of salt that if you took high doses of salt, you get sick and you don't get even that sick with lithium. So lithium is a super mineral, nobody talks about it because they associate with schizophrenia and bipolar because it takes away those conditions but it has side effects if you prescribe it in toxic doses. Low dose lithium does the same thing for anybody, it makes your brain work better. So lithium orotate, magnesium orotate, calcium orotate, potassium orotate, zinc orotate, zinc orotate is so important for everything. I mean every brain function requires zinc and because our diet today has so much soy, corn, estrogen, the animals are fed grains rather than grass fed. This what it does, it creates something called xenoestrogens in the body, false estrogens and some of them are actually estrogens and they will cause the body to not absorb zinc. So what happens for men for example prostate cancer or expanding prostate gland causes men over 50 to have to get up many times in the night all that. It causes low testosterone because your body can't absorb zinc if you've been taking or being affected by all these corn and soy products on the market or just simply the hormones they put in animals. So what happens in a relationship is not only do men lose their focus so their wives start talking, “We get distant”, we lose our passion particularly because we lose our testosterone levels and you know…
David Laroche : Someone can get back to testosterone levels…
John Gray : Oh yeah, I'm in my 60s and my testosterone levels are higher than any time in my marriage. They're higher than when I was a young man.
David Laroche : How do you measure your testosterones?
John Gray : Via erections and readiness to have sex with somebody you love. So one symptom of low testosterone is I mean first of all if you have healthy testosterone in the realm of healthy you will always wake up with an erection that faces up. You know most 50 year old men it's kind of like straight or pointing down and that's as much as a red that's a low testosterone. So the whole factor is literally is to flag go all the way up, that's healthy testosterone.
David Laroche : We can measure the angle?
John Gray : Yes, measure the angle and you know your testosterone levels. And even still another thing that can be a sign even in spite of that can you be fully up in the presence of someone you love deeply like your wife because it's very easy for a man with low testosterone to go up with a stranger and that's why pornography is so huge, is one of the only ways some men can experience a rise in their testosterone. When you're aroused, your testosterone levels go very very high so you rise up but you have to have plenty of testosterone to continue to rise up in the presence of someone you love. Because it's like in every sexology class one of the most common stories is called the President Hoover. It might have been another name, I forget the president's name but President Hoover is visiting a ranch with his wife and they're in separate two different tours and the wife Mrs. Hoover is witnessing these cows, the bull creating babies in the cow having sex with the cow. They take one cow in, the bull sires the cow, take the cow out. They bring in another cow he does it again, he does it again and she says to the rancher she says, “Can that bull do that all day long? He said, “Yes, all day long that bull can do that.” And she says, “Tell that to Mr. President Hoover”, and then so President Hoover comes by and he says, “You know your wife wanted me to mention to you that that bull siring that cow can do that all day long.” And he says, “But can he do that all day long with one cow?” And he said, “No it has to be a different cow every time.” “Tell that to Mrs. Hoover.”So a man if you're with someone that you don't love or know or stranger, you can get it up, you can have sex and then do it again and again and again. I have some friends in big rock bands that I've counseled in the past and they can get it up over 15 women in a night. Okay, they have groupies and they'll come in one after another 15 minute appointment. Boom, boom. But they can't get it up with their wives and that's why they're talking to me because see low testosterone easily rises up in the presence of non-relational sex meaning I don't know you. But if it's someone I do know it's different hormones that get produced oxytocin gets produced, oxytocin is the love hormone, so if you love the person you're with to Keep it up you have to have healthy testosterone levels and that is the secret of health, longevity, good health. Married men who have sex three times a week are the healthiest men on the planet and this is proven big studies they live 10 years longer on average. They don't get the cancer, the heart disease it's all about getting it up. There was one hospital back in the 90s where they were curing heart disease and men by teaching them how to have sex with their wives, just learning good sexual techniques. But it's not just that. Good sexual technique is one thing but we have to make sure we get zinc absorption to make the testosterone. We have to sort of back off from the estrogens, there's Chinese herbs, three Chinese herbs, that will kick the estrogen out of your body. There's herbs from Bangkok, Thailand which has more sex in that city than anywhere else in the world but they grow in that region. It's a root kind of like a potato it's called tongkat ali, tongkat ali will bump your testosterone levels 400% like in a week.
David Laroche : So where we can find the roots of this a nutritious…? Well, different nutritions and herbs and so forth?
John Gray : And I would never depend on these things except to kick start the body, get it back into shape, start getting the zinc in the body is something you need to zinc orotate would help dramatically in the long run because that's something it's a food, the herbs you use just to kick your body back into shape. The myomin which is probably one of most popular herbs on the internet myomin M-Y-O-M-I-N. Myomin is proven to kick those estrogens down and men who have belly fat for example that's also you know if you have low testosterone, belly fat. If you're a man and you can't look straight down and see your business, you've got low testosterone. And estrogen stores fat in your belly and if you have high estrogen your testosterone levels keep going lower and lower and lower. So what you want is to kick the estrogen out you need some herbs that'll bump up your testosterone and you need a good zinc supplement so that your body can make the testosterone. In three six months later you don't need all these herbs you just need good zinc supplement every day because we are being exposed in the environment to estrogens all the time, it's hard to avoid them so we need to help the body to absorb zinc better because estrogens inhibit zinc absorption. Zinc orotate is one of the best zincs in order to absorb the zinc. So that's kind of a picture for men, it also works for women. The same thing happens with women's libido and so forth but there's other herbs for women when it comes to their sexual desire is that it all has to do particularly those getting older but even a younger woman they have hormonal imbalance. And when the estrogens come in from the environment they interfere with healthy estrogen which makes you want to be penetrated and interferes with healthy progesterone and it keeps your mind calm. So women are too stressed and they're overwhelmed and often they can't enjoy sex fully and so there's a product from Korea that I recommend which is three Chinese herbs…
David Laroche : And can we find more information for on your website?
John Gray : Yes, what I do at my website is about 10 minutes on all these different products I'm talking about. So people can go to marsvenus.com…
David Laroche : We can purchase there?
John Gray : They can even purchase them there or they can go other places and purchase and they're all online. The one product that isn't available online and all together is the super minerals for men or super minerals for women but since nobody had it I put it together in a product which is a…
David Laroche : It's a package and…
John Gray : It's a package so people can just get all those minerals and literally if you've got ADD, ADHD that's what I've done every day for the last 12 years to keep my Parkinson's at a very big distance. If I don't do it for about a week, if I go off for a week then I'll start getting some my Parkinson's back for whatever reason but I'm completely healthy because of it and it's not just those are the supplements but then we also you talked about diet and the problem with food today is basically every good diet I just come back to the simplicity of a good diet basically is healthy fats, healthy meats and healthy carbohydrates, just healthy. And everybody's got a little different balance of everything but the bottom line is junk food, processed sugars interfere with brain function libido hormonal balance or processed foods and now people saw out of balance they can't digest wheat so many people have glut intolerance is very common so you have to take that out of your diet until you find your health again. So basically your good diet is proteins, fats, carbohydrates three times a day in moderate amounts. And that's it, there's no big special dynamic thing to it. Stay away from the junk foods, the junk foods cause…we go to them because we're under stress. When you're stressed, your hormones are out of balance so you're not making enough brain chemicals. Your cortisol levels go up then your body can't digest fat and so what happens is if you're…there's three body types. There's the muscular body type, they tend to gain weight in their 40s and beyond. There's the round body types right at puberty they're gaining huge amounts of weight in for childhood. If they have too much estrogen and they have hormonal imbalance they get fat. If they're mesomorphs, they're more muscular skinny waist big shoulders, they get the fat around 40 years old and they often get heart attacks by the time they're 50 due to all this high estrogen low testosterone in their bodies. Then there's the ectomorph body type which doesn't have a lot of muscle, doesn't have a lot of fat cells and so they can eat a bad diet and they don't gain weight but they get skinnier and skinnier as they get older but they're not processing their fat. Because if you're stressed your body can't burn fat for…
David Laroche : What types I am according to you?
John Gray : Oh you are ectomeso so you're thin but you also have muscle mass. You're secondary so you have good muscles but you're primarily ecto so you won't have weight problems if you eat a poor diet till you're in your 40s.
David Laroche : My father has a beautiful belly.
John Gray : Yeah the belly is estrogen. It's not as if see these guys in gyms and they're mesomorphs, they work out. They love to work out and build their muscles up because they get such a big response and they need to, their body has more muscle cells to feel good they have to workout and use their bodies. And as they're using their bodies over 40 you see them they get fatter and fatter and they work out and working out doesn't do anything because it's not about using your muscles, it's about hormonal balance in your body. You've got to kick those estrogens out of your body. So the weightlifters diet is often steak, low fat steak because you're getting protein there and you're also you get zinc. It's a big thing, see weightlifters you need lots of testosterone and zinc so you get your meats which are high in zinc, low fat then they eat broccoli and they eat brown rice. Brown rice is as a good carbohydrate because it doesn't turn right into sugar right away. It also has high and the mineral called silica. Silica is what allows your body to absorb calcium and build bones and your strength is according to the strength of your bones. If you have weak bones your body you have weak muscles. It's all about strong bones because see right now I can turn a jar and if I use my willpower I could break all my fingers off. But your brain stops you, we have much more strength than we know because the brain is constantly stopping our strength because we might break a bone. And so if you have strong bones you can then develop great strength along with good breathing.
David Laroche : It's amazing. I love that.
John Gray : So back to diet you know main thing is get rid of the bad stuff. Eat moderately and this idea of eating every two hours is not a healthy thing every three hours. If somebody is obese it can make them healthier than dying of obesity but it doesn't lengthen your life. What lengthens your life and makes you strong and clear and not to have sugar cravings is when you get to a certain level of health then your body doesn't need to eat for five to six hours. When you eat the right nutrition your body doesn't need to eat for five to six hours. After four hours after you've eaten a meal, four hours later the first two hours your body breaks down carbohydrate. The next two hours your body breaks down fat then there's no food. That's the point where your brain releases after four hours after a meal your brain releases growth hormone and that's what regenerate your cells. That's why I'm in my 60s and I look so young and I'm so vibrant and I have a sex life and all those things because I make sure that I'm creating enough space between my meals in order to release the growth hormone. Lots of people are taking growth hormone which ultimately could have all kinds of problems but short term. If I didn't know what I know when I was 70 or 80 years I'd be injecting growth hormone too because you lose…you build muscle mass, you lose weight, you get your vitality back, everything works better with growth hormone. It regenerates your body. But if you eat every three hours then you're producing insulin to digest that food you don't release growth hormone at all. So as people are aging today everybody's growth hormone levels are going down whereas mine stay the same, testosterone stays the same. You stay a young man, you do wear out I mean your body does age and so forth but you have all the vitality of a young man and you'll see this in many indigenous cultures where the food is still nutritionally dense. Now, why is it that I can eat a meal and go for four or five hours six hours without feeling hungry at all? Is because the food I eat has got all the nutrients in it. And your regular food doesn't have the nutrients. That's why I supplement my diet which supplements extra nutrients so that when I have a meal I'm getting all the vitamins, all the minerals and good quality fats, good quality proteins. So I start my day with a super food shake you know everybody needs a super food shake in my opinion. You don't eat too many calories in the morning because your body is not making a lot of enzymes so it just gets easy to digest protein, easy to digest fats, carbohydrates that are slow to rise and suddenly you've got this amazing little 200 calorie drink that will last you for six hours. There's nothing better for your health than you feel…
David Laroche : Then I will try everything we're talking about so how long I have to wait according to you to have maybe the more the first result?
John Gray : Oh a week…
David Laroche : A week?
John Gray : If not three days…
David Laroche : A week? Wow so I will try everything and I will do a review one month after for example?
John Gray : Excellent. Do this super food shake and you can follow the formula what I suggest is I've already mixed it up, it's a product super food shake and super minerals. Just those two things will make a world of difference, greater clarity, greater energy and you start to feel that you go five six hours without eating. Now, what you want to do is add to your shake two things…
David Laroche : Can we order that in France?
John Gray : Yeah, you can order that in France.
David Laroche : Wow.
John Gray : Okay and you can also look at the ingredients and find the ingredients and put it together but it's better what I have is raw way protein, raw casein protein, organically grown goji berries for your vitamin C, all of your vitamins in there, coconut oil as your fat. Now, coconut oil is an amazing fat but if you put it in a cold shake in the morning it will clump up so you can order on the internet in MCT oil. That's the most important thing in this is you need a good fat, everything about being strong and having lots of energy is healthy fats, butters, avocado and coconut oil, olive oil. These are all great things that we have lots of in our life not too much but good amounts of that. That should be something we want to be able to burn that fat and one of the greatest omega-3 is that we all need omega-3 for the brain. The easiest and the best for your morning shake is you go to the store and you buy chia seeds. You've heard that word chia C-H-I-A they come from South America. They are very cheap. You buy a bag of chia seeds, you take a third of a cup and then you add two cups of water to it. That's it. Let it in a container, stir it, wait one minute, stir it, put it in the refrigerator and 10 minutes later it turns to a Jell-O and you take like two or three tablespoons of this and you put it in your shake. What that does is it feeds your brain like a whole salmon meal. Like all the omega-3 you get from a salmon meal which is the brain is made out of omega-3 so important for intelligence and focus. So you have omega-3 but it's also in this gel form so that the shake, the one that I make, has two teaspoons of sugar in it and I believe you need a little sugar to stimulate everything to stimulate insulin that bring it into the brain and so forth. So two teaspoons of sugar but the gel causes those two teaspoons of sugar to be released over the next five hours. So you get slow release sugar because your brain always needs a little stimulation to absorb the nutrients. The MCT oil that's from the coconut, the extract of coconut that gives you instant energy. Now, you start with a teaspoon of that and gradually build up to a tablespoon. What MCT oils do is if you eat too much in the beginning you get a stomachache because MCT oils are made out of caprylic acid and it will kill fungus in your gut. So for some people of any kind of stress they have fungus in their gut. MCT caprylic acid will kill that fungus and when it is dying it gives you kind of stomachache so it'll go a little until you have no stomachache then increase and increase the tablespoon in your super food shake. And then have another tablespoon during the day and at night have another tablespoon.
David Laroche : Like we can find everything on your website, right?
John Gray :Yes.
David Laroche : So I will try that for one or two months and I will do a blog post…
John Gray : A blog post?
David Laroche : Yeah.
John Gray : That'd be great and in terms of focus so many men have ADD, ADHD, the super minerals plus good super food shake and vitamin C and grape seed extract. There's double blind studies just on vitamin C and grape seed extract showing it's as good as Ritalin or Adderall, just that and there's no side effects. Ritalin and Adderall have all these side effects. Why not do the natural way? It's such a simple thing but people don't know because these products are all you can't patent them, you can't charge high prices for them because there's so much competition.
David Laroche : Yeah I think so. I have a last question for you which is a weird question maybe the first time you have this question, according to you how we can become a couple killer, a loser in relationship what are the keys to become a loser in a relationship.
John Gray : Oh my Gosh, how you can ruin a relationship?
David Laroche : Yeah, I would love to know that. I will do some trainings about that.
John Gray : Okay. The way a man becomes a loser in a relationship is he becomes overly feminized. One of the symptoms of being overly feminized is talking about emotions and getting emotionally upset. Now, it's okay to talk about positive emotions with the woman you're in love with, “You're so beautiful. I love you so much. I missed you. You're my sweetheart. Oh I was so disappointed because I didn't get to see you. Oh my gosh! I care so much or you.” These are all feelings, emotions but they're positive. When women say they want feelings from men, they want positive feelings from men. That's what you want to do. Negative emotions is unmanly. That's how you destroy a relationship.
David Laroche : Great…
John Gray : By whining, by just think any time you complain you're being a girl. And what happens is a little bit here and there to your buddies. Go talk to your guys about this. That what guys do we can complain to each other. But if you complain to a woman you become a feminized she goes, “Oh poor baby. Oh and then she gets mad at you for complaining about her.” So what a woman needs to feel more than anything is I can go up and down in my moods and you'll stand there and you don't get affected by it. And you don't get upset, you see so many men get upset like, “Why are you upset? Why are you bothered about this?” Because she might complain, “Oh you're wearing that outfit.” “Yeah, I know you don't like this outfit.” And that's it. And then she'll say, “Well, will you change?” “Well, since this is your special night out I'll give you permission to suggest what I should wear but only because it's a special occasion.” So here is how you run a relationship. Let's say you get dressed up and you're putting on a tie and you're getting ready to go and she says, “Oh that tie doesn't match.” And you're, “Okay, pick out another one.” You know you're a guy you want to please a woman, that's what we're designed to do to make her happy. If it makes her happy I don't care what kind of tie I wear so I put on another tie she likes it. And so the next time I'm getting dressed and put on a tie she says, “Oh that tie is wrong you should put on this other type.” So you go and you do it and once you've done that three times something happens inside of you. You change, your brain changes. When you're getting ready now you're going to pick this tie and you're going to doubt yourself and you go, “It should be this tie or this tie.” And you'll go to her and you'll say, “Should I wear this or this tie?” And now you become a girl, the way women do. I can't make up my mind. What should I wear, should I wear this or this or this? And that's a good thing for women to be, that's how women are. They're always their brains are much more busy. You don't want to become that, you want to be a man.
David Laroche : That's a good way to become a loser in a relationship as I managed to do that.
John Gray : Is to ask for her opinion about everything and for advice…
David Laroche : And for women?
John Gray : Okay. So the way women become losers in a relationship, many ways. I'll just summarize complain, correct, control, criticize.
David Laroche : Good training.
John Gray : That's if women can just stop complaining, correcting, controlling, criticizing. Why do you do that women? It only pushes him away. They want you to change. Stop trying to change him instead start changing the way you communicate your needs to him. And what women say, “Well, if I can't criticize and I can't complain and I can't correct him.” If she says, “How do I get him to change?” And I say that you'd learn to love, love him just as he is. And she says, “Yeah, but can I get more attention. Can I go out more? Can we get him to pick up his socks? I don't want oh you know…” And I say, “Yes you can.” That's called asking him to do things but if you ask him that first you have to learn how to ask and you have to first be happy before asking works. You can't ask him to do something so that you can become happy. You have to be happy and then ask him to do things to help you to make you happier. So it's an art to how to motivate men to do more for you. And there's an art men to make women happy and turned on the way you do it, then you become a loser in a relationship by waiting till Friday night and saying, “Hey honey, what do you want to do tonight? “And be all loose and relaxed about it. No, you do a week in advance you plan you say what would you like? What would you like? And then don't argue with her. And if three things she likes and you don't want to do any of it, suck it up. Be a man it's only two hours, go do it for her and don't whine and complain. This is another way men just they're awful about this. They go out on a date with her that she wanted like let's say you go to the ballet. He's like, “Uh how long is this going to go on? He's looking at his watch like this it's like and the next time she goes, “What do I do that will make him happy.” Women should not be thinking about what will make you happy. You should be thinking about being true to yourself and how to make her happy. And a romantic date is about her, it's not about you. And when you're on that date don't complain and she has to learn not to complain. Complaining kills relationships. It makes us all losers. Another secret, yeah and the way men kill a relationship is they argue with women and they get upset at women. Why get upset at her? It doesn't help, it just makes it worse. Understand women are like a wave, it goes up and everything is perfect. No matter how perfect it is that wave is going to crash. The happiest woman in the world she's going to be unhappy, don't take it personally. A little story to help men that changed my life. It was this the guy by the name Robert Bly a long time ago was teaching men's groups, teaching men how to be men and he didn't have really good relationship skills but that was a good one. And he said it's a long story I'm going to make shorter but there was a dragon in the woods and everybody went into the woods never came out alive. And the king said, “I need a hero to go and save the kingdom from this dragon.” So the all this brothers came. The older brother went and he looked for the dragon all day long. He couldn't find his dragon as he's about to turn around and come back home he smells this bread cooking. And he was hungry and tired in the little sweet little cabin and lights are on and the bread is sitting there so he goes in it smells so good he takes some of the bread he eats it and say, “This tastes so good”, and then a beautiful maiden appears and she says, “You like my bread?” He says, “Yes, I like it very much.” And she says, “Oh very good.” May I have some of my bread he says, “Of course”, and he hands her the bread and she accidentally drops it and she says, “Would you pick it up?” He says, “Certainly.” He picks up the bread and when he comes up she's turned into a wicked witch with a club and beats him to death. That's what happens in relationships. Women just beat men to death. They turn into witches and beat them to death. So the next brother comes in same thing happens then the youngest comes in pure heart, love opened. He comes in the same thing happens he's taking her bread, he's enjoying the bread, she appears and she says, “Oh you like my bread”, he said, “Yes, it's very good.” And she says, “May I have some of the bread?” he's, “Of course”, and he hands her the bread. She drops the bread. She says, “Would you pick it up?” He says, “Bread is symbolic of life and death. We are all responsible for our lives. We can't depend on another for that so you'll have to pick up the bread.”And she picks up the bread and she doesn't turn into a witch and they lived happily ever after. This is what men have to learn, we don't pick up the bread for women. And in our relationships today what that means is we're not responsible to make her happy because if we think we're responsible to make her happy then every time she's unhappy we feel blamed. We feel like we failed, it's inevitable. My wife's one of the happiest women in the world. She has everything and every other day she's upset about something. I go, “Oh may I help you that?” You know it's just a simple easy response or just don't say anything and then if they say, “What are you thinking?” This is what you say, “I'm thinking you do so many wonderful things for so many people. Let me give you a hug.” See that's the opposite. No man would ever think to say that he'd be saying, “Don't do so much for everybody. Don't worry about this stuff. Who cares if we're late”, and it's like don't say those things. We ruin it by trying because when we say those things it makes her feel bad for having those feelings instead are like it's part of life. And then a woman starts to feel safe that, “Oh my gosh! I don't have to be this perfect smiling woman all the time.” Then she can be authentic, passionate, alive. And you can be like an oak tree which is capable of being present for her and by connecting with her and loving her increases the passion in you but not becoming like a girl.
David Laroche : Yeah. It's great.